Le Puy -

A difficult day. I groomed Anky, spent some time in the stable with her. It felt good just to be with her. I mounted in the yard and she immediately hung onto the bit and refused to turn up towards the gate. She does this, she doesn't want to go out. I sat patiently waited for her to relax, asked again, eventually she softened and we turned towards the gate. She stopped again and I sat and waited patiently until she relaxed, asked again and walked up to the gate. It wasn't a day for hacking out, I've not ridden for 2 weeks and getting on and off to lead her if she was worried wasn't an option, so I took her up to the school. It was a little blustery, but not too bad and the sun was fighting it's way through the clouds. I was so happy just to be onboard. My intention was to walk her around on a loose rein, large circles and changes of direction, asking her to look in the direction she was walking, hoping to create a soft relaxed bend and a little stretching down. She was distracted, which wasn't unexpected, she's always distracted. We continued, Anky eyeing with distrust the little wood at the top of the school. We continued, asking on the inside rein lightly for a little softness, trying to keep large circles, soft to the inside leg and turning from my body. She had one big spook, which is not really a problem, but of course, she then loses the little focus and attention that we had. We continued calmly (me not Anky), I felt very calm, but I also felt a growing sense of futility. She stopped at one point to deposit a large, wet dropping, which contained a glistening mess of something that looked suspiciously like intestinal lining. Not a lot, but, today, the fact that it was there was enough to crumble my world.

It's not a matter of confidence,or having too high expectations, Anky doesn't test my confidence and my expectations are never high, but she certainly tests my patience. I don't know if it's a matter of me having more patience, or a lack of moral fibre, I just don't have the resolve to carry on with it. I made a decision, there and then, I'm not going to ride her, it's not what I want. I feel like I'm giving in, I feel ashamed, I feel saddened by my decision. I want to ride, I don't want to plead, cajole, argue ( I try NOT to argue with her),worry about her health, etc, etc, etc. There's too much emotion involved with her.
So, if I want to ride I'll ride Corky. She isn't the horse I want to ride, but she's willing and she meets me half way. I can take her out and hopefully, I'll get myself fitter, get her fitter and healthier, she certainly needs it, and perhaps try to gather together my thoughts.