Merde

It's been a shit day today.
I can't say it in any other way, I can't pretty it up, make it sound deep and meaningful, thoughtful or dramatic. I don't have the literary prowess for that anyway. It's just been a shit day.

I awoke feeling far from my best this morning, but Corky and Anky need their ride out and I want to ride. So off down to the stables. As I approach with the tack Anky does a cow pat dropping, stretches (that horrible extreme stretch) and lies down with a sigh. She looks pathetic and weary. I feel desperate, frustrated and also very weary. Also pathetic because at that point I feel very low, inadequate and powerless. Am I feeling sorry for myself, yes I am!! And I hate myself for it.

I don't know if Anky's getting better, some days I think she is, other days like today I think she'll never be right. I'm definately neurotic about her, I watch her, looking for signs of improvement, is she eating, is she moving ok, is she stretching, is she gassy etc, etc, etc.......it's very wearing and I shouldn't do it and I am now overreacting, yesterday I was so up beat about the whole thing. Today, I don't feel great and I know that it's colouring my judgement with Anky and also making me question my own role with the horses full stop.

I did nothing with my beautiful boy, I'm sure he's all the better for it.

Today, and for a few days , Ive thought that I don't want my head filled with PK, NO, PB, R, AB, Rollkur, German, French, this way , that way, high hands, low hands, the incessant backwards and forewards of conflicting methods and ideas...........Aaaggggh. My head is spinning. I'm not up for it!!!!!